Some foul language…
I’m not a hockey fan. I don’t hate hockey – it’s just that I don’t follow it, that’s all. The sport holds no interest for me and I sure won’t be wetting myself if Ottawa doesn’t make the playoffs.
I should say though, that as a true Canadian, strong and free, I did play hockey as a kid but I quit when I was about 14.
The hockey parents.
Plain and simply, most of ‘em were (and probably still are) malignant assholes. They’d howl and yowl like World War Two klaxons at their kids (and quite often at other people’s kids) like it was an NHL final or something.
I mean, it was friggin’ house league, for Christ’s sakes! Who gives a shit? There were no scouts in the stands watching any young Bobby Orrs or Wayne Gretzkys out there. Did they think that screaming like senseless banshees at their ankle skating kid was going to get them signed?
Hey arseholes – shut the fuck up and let them have fun.
As I grew older, my interest in hockey waned and I moved on, discovering that playing music was far, far cooler than scoring goals.
Okay…I understand the zeal hockey fans have for the game, but often I find that the fervour, the enthusiasm, the goddamn obsession that those fans have for the damn game is really quite frightening.
You know the kind of fan I mean – the one draped in the oversized jersey of his favourite team, sprawled in his lawn chair, buried in snow up to his knees in front of his house, a can of beer spilling over his right fist and holding a misspelled sign in his left begging passing motorists to “Honk yor horn for the (insert team name here)” usually punctuated with whoops and grunts.
(By the way, car honking should never be wasted on showing support for your favourite hockey team – it should be saved for the idiot in front of you who doesn’t know how to use his goddamn turn signal.)
I get it – you love your team. Good for you.
This maniacal devotion however can, and often does, turn some of these well-intentioned fans into some of the biggest douchebags on the planet.
The other day I came across an article about the Toronto Maple Leafs. As I said earlier, I’m not a hockey fan, so normally any articles about hockey (or just sports in general) wouldn’t interest me but the headline caught my eye:
“April Reimer, wife of Maple Leaf James Reimer, attacked on Twitter…”
I read the article.
It began by saying that April Reimer, the spouse of Maple Leaf goaltender James Reimer spent the weekend fighting off attacks on Twitter about her husband’s recent play.
What is this shit?
What in the name of God is the thought process going on here?
Is there even a thought process going on here?
What kind of knuckle dragging, mouth breathing imbecile would post an attack against the wife of an athlete of a team he supposedly cheers for?
I’ll tell you – the kind of imbecile who thinks that by wearing team colours and watching a game or two makes him a hockey genius.
The kind of imbecile who thinks that face painting is art.
The kind of imbecile who has never worn a jockstrap in his life and calls phone-in shows with all kinds of moronic drivel that, in his insignificant brain, passes for expert advice for coaches and GM’s.
The kind of imbecile who has never even laced up a skate and couldn’t find a puck even if it was wedged up his ass sideways.
Unfortunately, imbeciles with access to social media who think that they’re brilliant are everywhere – as if one finger typing and managing to keep drool from falling on the keyboard by sucking it back in is somehow brilliant.
Hardly – the fact of the matter is that they are bullies and should be bitch slapped nine ways to Sunday for being the idiotic shitheads they are.
I have a few questions for these idiotic shitheads:
What makes you think that your fatuous opinion is important anyway?
What makes you think that shitting on your favourite team makes you a great fan?
What makes you think that your gutless attack on an innocent person is a good idea?
What makes you think that being a completely classless sphincter is clever?
What makes you even think?
Now, what makes me think my opinion on this is worth the read?
Well, although I don’t watch hockey, I have played it in the past which means I’m already up on most of these sofa bound turds. For another, I certainly would never post any bullying horseshit about the spouse of a player on the team I’m supposed to be a fan of.
That in itself should be enough.
Of course, this kind of douchebaggy rubbish is not relegated to hockey – not by a long shot. Sports fans have been shitting on the home team in every sport ever since Cro Magnon man kicked a rock between Neanderthal man’s legs about fifty thousand years ago.
You have to wonder if some of these sports fans thought processes have even progressed since then.
It seems that in some cases the cave man still exists – only he’s clothed in his team’s colours…